I woke up. It was 18 February 2022. I showered, I knew that a life altering moment was looming later that day, but I kept busy with my work obligations. I spoke to some of my colleagues who were in the same boat as me - we all knew that we were just trying to get through it; you could tell because we all uttered a very weak “ but I’m sure we’ll be okay”. It was so empty, but how do the blind lead each other? We were all blinded by our tremendous anxiety toward the unknown, but also didn’t want to dwell on it; so we uttered the expected - though we all knew that we didn’t believe it, no matter how much we wanted to.
As per my plan, I went to the work event. As per my secondary plan, I went to the car just before 16:00hrs. I sat through the longest 7 minutes of my life waiting for that sms; until I eventually went onto the website. I put in my credentials – I started with my SAICA ID number, my heartbeat could not be tamed as I watched the page load the result… and then I saw it… but I could not believe it, So I restarted the process – I went and sifted through my emails all the way back to November 2021 so as to locate my exam admission letter and obtain my exam number. I typed that into the results page - my heart on its own tangent, my eyes glued to every action on the screen, and my hand that held my phone resting on my shaking knee – and again I saw the same words, I read them… I wished there was someone else that could read them in a different voice to my own to confirm… but I had to rely on my own eyes as assisted by my spectacles – I had to believe that I was reading “Name Surname. We are pleased to inform you that you have Passed”.
That’s what I had hoped for, but deep down, that’s not what I had expected. It was very difficult for me to take it in. I was beyond humbled, because all I could think was that “I got my miracle”… and I just did not even know where to start because then I began to ask God “why? How God? Me? Really?” – it’s absolutely insane what goes through your entire being the moment that you get something that you have been praying for almost every waking moment since you started… I knew that I hadn’t earned this achievement by writing so well that day. I know distinct mishaps that I had done and on this world’s terms I never would’ve been able to be successful with those mishaps – but sitting in my car, looking at that word ‘Passed’ beneath my name, I knew that a God that does not operate according to human parameters, had intervened and caused an in spite of situation to happen for me.
In that moment I remembered that one thing that had messed me up during my waiting period was Romans 9:5 “For He says to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose” – I kept saying that whether God CAN is not the issue, but whether He WILL, I don’t know, will I be worthy of His compassion? And I would say to Him ‘God, please find compassion for me’ so many times in my waiting period. I was so desperate for this unmerited favor, because I just knew deep down that if I did this alone I wouldn’t make it, I needed Him so badly…So as I looked at those words, I just knew! God has compassion for me too – me. Wow. Plain old me. He cares enough, He hears me, and though I did not deserve it, He gave it to me.
My life changes forever! Every barrier is gone, lifted. Nothing is standing between me and CA(SA). Literally. The chains are broken. The strongholds are non existent. Literally nothing can take that away. Wow. I know that this is what I wanted, but receiving it feels like I didn’t know what I was asking for, I didn’t actually realise the gravity of what I was praying for. How do I have this? How do I deserve this? A life altering result. A feeling I can’t bottle. How do you quantify gratitude, being humbled, being blessed, being favored, being chosen, being found mercy upon, being elevated, being graced?? In that moment knowing that my parents will be more than proud, my entire family will look at me in awe – for something that I didn’t even do, but God!... I was so overwhelmed in that moment. That sms is validation of what you are, and a key to what you can be all at the same time… it’s life defining. It’s a distinct moment that literally births a before and after. And God has decided to give it to me.
I wish that I could put it into words. But I can’t. I wish that I could live in that moment forever – so far I have - I have been living in it for 3 weeks, because who get’s over that? Who gets over favor unmerited? Who gets over the moment their life changes forever? Who gets over being saved from the inexplicable pain of going through that grueling process again? Who gets over a very clear miracle? Who gets over GRACE unmistakable?! Not me. Not now.
Thank You LORD.
Comentarios