Based on my true story

We had a call at work, in order to discuss the logistics of how Friday would go – Friday the 18th of February 2022.

They were planning something for us and they wanted to know if we would be able to attend such event. In that moment my heart knotted, sank, and pierced at the same time; I had to make a call, to decide whether I felt that I would be strong enough to be around people on Friday the 18th of February 2022.

That’s when I identified what was happening; I was being crippled by this thing with no arms and legs, or life of it’s own to begin with – I was being crippled by the APC exam. This is a familiar phenomenon; I spent 2 years in hostage of the APC exam - delaying things, ruining things, losing things, not experiencing things – and so at the beginning of 2022, one of the things that I decided would happen was that I would not let APC have any effect on me whatsoever (it’s presence or absence). Therefor as soon as I identified that the APC was torturing me again; I decided that whether I attend or do not attend, the result does not change but what I do lose out on is the experience of this kind gesture that my employer is going through the trouble of putting together… So I decided that I will be attending said event, and that I would drag myself there if I had to.

But let’s talk about that 2 years of hostage a little bit – because all too often, I just want to brush it off because well if it’s the norm and so many persons have gone through that system then what am I complaining about? But I’m going to articulate it all today because when I went through those emotions and the pain that came with the whole journey – they were (are) real and they defined my life ever so substantially.

So I went through my undergraduate studies and obtained my degree, then I struggled to get my CTA – went through emotions that I have never seen before- when you put in more effort than you’ve ever expended your whole life, but keep getting a slap in the face of the lowest marks you’ve ever seen. It was a rollercoaster, physically shocking, mentally taxing, emotionally ransacking experience… But it was worth it, I was doing this to become a CA one day. It was just that last storm before the sunshine, you see after this, I could breathe, I could go ahead to do my articles – my dreams would finally be coming true and I would finally be able to have a life! I, the girl who diligently spent majority of her time at the UJ Library, would finally do what other young kids do – live life, see the light of day.

That’s what I thought right? So I soldiered on… and as soon as I passed, I also took a pass on December holidays because come 29 January 2019, an ITC needed to be written and I needed to be prepared. So yes, I encountered that brutal 2 days of intensity – but it was worth it, I was to finally be free brethren.

But then something happened, I started my articles. I somewhat lived a little because after all, in first year you can get away with a lot. I could see that heat was intensifying by the month, but I was still alright, and overtime was still such a new experience so I welcomed it with zeal.

But second year came; and a little friend called burn out came along; the demands of work just kept piling, and it became a life of waking up to work and stopping only to sleep, with everyday dissolving into the next. While on that the APC exam was now on the horizon for 17 December 2020, so from about April-May, here I was now juggling APT course with the high demands of audit work… This didn’t look like my dream that I had fought for in CTA; I had fought to finally live, and now I was doing anything but – I think what I can say is that now I was just being overwhelmed… but it was worth it; one last push and next year I will get to just focus on completing my articles, and it will end in CA(SA).

But there were tears from being overwhelmed, back aches, headaches, missing out on family time, emotional drainage… and the painful imposter syndrome that comes from realizing that there are some people who seem to have it together, and from realizing that there thousands of people that have travelled this path before you and made it; so I must be the problem, I must be the one that’s not good enough for this journey… I tried to suppress it all. After all, it was almost over…

Until it wasn’t… on 22 April 2021, I learnt that it was far from over. On that day, at 16:01, I read the second most painful words I’ve ever seen in my life thus far, the sms said that I was unsuccessful. My entire world turned. And I’m not being dramatic even in the slightest. I felt so much pain. I needed to pass that exam. It carried the validation that I needed; that I belonged in this profession, I was good enough, and I was crazy to have thought that I’m not. But the only thing that 23% pass rate carried for me, was confirmation that my imposter syndrome had been appropriate to have.

I had to do it again. It’s the only way to finish what I started even though my whole being doesn’t know where to begin to pick up the ability to pass this exam this time around; an exam that doesn’t score you a percentage, but deems you “competent” or “Not Competent”. Those are powerful words, because unlike ordinary scoring systems, I can’t console my 49% with “I was almost there”, I simply take my “not competent” as it is, it says that I’m incompetent… I was right.

Because you have to understand that at this stage of the game everything is so delicate and so personal. I’m literally at the end of the game and then comes an exam that I don’t really even know how to pass (no one really does, everyone has theories, but never a clear cut path), and this exam says that I’m not competent; it’s a destroying outcome at this point because it’s like ‘I have spent 7 -8 years enduring EVERYTHING that was thrown at me, I’ve sacrificed so much, worked so hard, felt so much: and suppressed it all only for you to tell me that all that was never enough at the finish line?’ By this time it feels like okay have I been lying to myself all these years that I’m on track? It felt (still feels) like all along they were just being nice and saying okay we can work with this for now and now suddenly they’re like no no no, actually we are so sorry, we lied to you all along so we are just going to stop you here where it matters most, we just can’t take that risk at this time… it’s crippling. You question everything.

So now I’m sitting the night before 18 February 2022 – the night before they release results for my second attempt. I wish I believed that it would go well, but I am scared to interrogate deep inside to find out how I truly feel. What I can tell you for free is that the way I felt about my first attempt (which I ended up failing), was even better than the way I felt about my second one. So I prayed. I prayed that God would please grant me a miracle this time around. And then I battled with that prayer too – because I had prayed for the first exam, and I had believed more than anything that God was going to sway that result in my favor, but we know what happened there. So now to pray a second time was difficult, but I had to pray still… So I prayed, asked for a miracle because I know for sure that without a miracle, history will repeat itself tomorrow… But even after praying, I did not want to dwell on this matter for longer – because I had to work so hard to get to the point where I could pray about this matter again, and I’m not ready to have to deal with restoring my faith again if anything goes wrong.

So I’m kind of in limbo right now. I’m trying not to listen to the terror, but I’m also not silencing it as vigorously as I usually would. I know that if God sees it fitting, I’ll get my miracle but if not, then … I…