How to life... together

There’s a thought that’s been jabbing at my mind unabatingly... I have been thinking about how our impression of what life is meant to be - informs how we expect others to behave, which consequently fuels the basis of either satisfaction (if that expectation is met), or otherwise disappointment.

I said “our impression of what life is meant to be,” I carefully chose the word ‘impression’ because who can say for certain what life is? Haven’t we all grown up in some sort of norm that has defined how we interpret life? Having sat in several diverse classrooms and board rooms, I’ve learnt how even a room of just three people, can contain three different perspectives of what is right, what is acceptable, what is wrong etc as well as why it is right, wrong or acceptable etc. I drew that all this was rooted in aspects such as what kind of family this person was brought up in, the type of faith that they affiliate with, the schools they’ve been to, their ethnicity or nationality etc. I think one of the differentials that perplex me every time is how you could put all Christians in a particular room together, but find differing views on their beliefs because though they are all Christian, their denominations follow different doctrines, and interpret concepts differently, thus they do things differently – but that is a story for another day, the point today is simply that the whole concept of what life is supposed to be and how it’s meant to be lived all boils down to the impression that you’ve been brought up to incline to.

Having said that, I believe that earth would continue to orbit around the sun just fine as the world works perfectly well, if we all kept to our families, communities, churches etc… But we do not. As I mentioned earlier, I have sat in diverse classrooms and boardrooms; we love to mix - no we MUST mix - with different people in order to broaden our horizons, exchange ideas, grow, come up with advanced solutions for life’s challenges etcetera, the list goes on. However, as we mix and our impressions of what we’ve always believed to be the right or wrong way of life collides, there eventually comes a time when these impressions clash. on matters of common decency such as murder, crime, abuse – we happily agree- however it is when we get to the nuances and what seems to be trivial matters at face value, that we begin to differ and we all find ourselves wanting to defend our long standing impression of right from wrong. Alternatively, we find ourselves questioning our own long standing norms, and wondering if we perhaps have been wrong all this time, and instead the other norms that we have learnt from others may be the acceptable way.

One very simple example of that is something that happened to me two years ago when I started work at my firm of employment. Before I get into that, I’ll give a bit of context into my upbringing; I grew up in a normal African home with both my parents and my younger brother, attended school at an all female catholic school, attended Sunday services at a Pentecostal church that is predominantly African, and went on to a vast and therefor busy university. My friends essentially had similar home or otherwise church and social experiences and expectations as me - as such my normal was pretty much solidified.

But then I got to this firm, that is rather diverse. Until I had meaningful conversations and interactions with others, I had never fundamentally contemplated my normal… but then something so small began to happen so frequently, and I noticed it EVERY time. Every time I was going into a lift or a room, and there was a male of a certain ethnic group (that wasn’t mine), they made sure to step aside, hold the door, and let me in first – EVERY time. It didn’t matter their age, whether they had ever seen me before or not, it was like I just had to be a woman, and they a man. It was the most amazing gesture I had ever experienced, and the way they did this so naturally like it was encoded in their DNA! Mind-blowing!

I became more acquainted with one of them by virtue of working together- for the purpose of this discussion we will call him Mark. At times when we would go on a client out of town and drive together, Mark would open the car door as well – what’s more, he and the other male colleague of that same ethnicity, would both always be alert to ensure that the female colleagues were comfortable, offering coffee, carrying heavy files, and ensuring that either of them left the boardroom last.

To say that I was in awe is an understatement. So on one of the days I inquired of Mark as to why he behaves this way – He told me that this is basically what he has grown up seeing; his father holds doors for his mother, so does he, and that when the time came for him to start wooing the female species, he also knew that this was one of the things that they would require of him. More than that, he expressed that as he grew older, he came to understand that this was an act of honor & respect. I was categorically amazed, so much so that I remember writing a diary entry on this.

You must understand that my norm -and the norm that most of my friends were inclined to – was that my mother sees to it that my father has eaten, that when we enter or exit the car, to each their own. Basically, in all my years I had never witnessed my father opening the door for my mom, nor had I ever seen my uncles or family friends opening doors for their wives. All that I had ever seen was that the wives would attend to the husband’s needs, and that as I got older I too was trained to cook for my dad if my mom wasn’t there. Perhaps the word “trained” is misplaced, it’s more that I just grew into that knowledge or role and proudly so. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but there was just such a paradox between how that construct subconsciously trained me as a woman to put the wellbeing of others - especially men – before mine, whereas the construct of this other ethnic group subconsciously trained my colleague as a man, to tend to especially the wellbeing of the woman before his own.

I will not lie; at the time this chivalry was so appealing to me. I could simply not believe it! It felt most amazing to be put first, to be seen, to be honoured like a queen of importance, to be consciously cared for… truly, I almost faulted my norms on that, feeling that the other ethnic group had it all right, and that I would want to adopt their mannerisms into my life.

But my recent contemplation has been such that I realised that no one truly knows in black and white – how to do this life thing. Who is to say that it is more right for men to put the wellbeing of women first than it is for women to put the needs of men first for example? I am aware that there is an embedded issue of gender equality and feminism on this particular example, but that’s a completely different debate which is not the object of this discussion. Right now, I just want to address the fact that historically, and embedded in their norms, these two ethnic groups customarily have a way of doing things that differs and the reality is that there is no hard and fast, clear cut template that defines who is right and who is wrong.

This is what then led me to saying that our norms that shape our impression of what life is, are the very fuel for our satisfaction or disappointment. When I learnt of this chivalrous behaviour, I began to think that this was the way in which ANY man should treat a lady. And if he didn’t then he’s not romantic or chivalrous enough – but the point I was missing was that this was someone else’s culture that I was adopting simply because I liked it, and that if I set this bar for a male of Mark’s ethnic group then I would probably certainly achieve this… but what about other ethnic groups that do not operate in this way, surely if I set the same bar for gentlemen of those other groups then I am paving way for disappointment? What I was forgetting is that as I said above – I had NEVER seen any male in my home, family or community treat women in this way, so even my very own brother had never had any such template to learn from, therefore how on earth would a male from my own ethnic group ever behave like this new breed that I had just experienced?

Reality is that the two ethnicities had been brought up differently, seen different templates growing up and subconsciously saw life a different way – to expect them to act otherwise would simply be unfair, because they only act in accordance to what they know.

I used this example because it was the first thing that came to my mind; but the discussion is about much more than the difference in ethnic groups. This discussion is etched in the fact that as we interact with our family members, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, PEOPLE in general, we are all not the same at all. Just in my family alone, my parents though from the same era, grew up and schooled in different family set ups and school environments, so they have different opinions and experiences... then comes me a gen Z, and by brother that is seven yeas my junior, he went to completely different schools as me, different country to me for a certain part, and he has a different personality to mine too – all that makes a masala of 4 different persons, with different opinions, all under one roof. There are certain times when my parents strongly believe in a certain concept because of the time in which they grew up, but then I completely disagree because my opinion is informed by different experiences - and the same applies with my brother. I’m sure we all know that my brother & I end up submitting to what our parents have to say, but the point is that the difference in opinion exists.

If I can circle back to my example; based on the different upbringings, just because a male of my ethnic group does not open doors does not mean that he doesn’t care, but that he expresses his care in a different way that he would have learnt in his culture. In the same way; just because I have grown up to be a vocal person because perhaps my parents cultivated that quality in me, doesn’t mean that if someone else has grown up to be a quieter person because perhaps they were taught that there is more grace in being quiet, does not mean that when they don’t say anything it is because they have nothing to say.

In our relationships, we have to understand that a lot of the behaviour that people put out there is a reflection of what they’ve learnt and been brought up to know as the truth. It would be such a shame if we projected our own upbringing and understanding on another person and used that to interpret their actions…Because the reality is that we are coming from different departures, and so if we interpret other people’s actions based on our own departure point, we risk misinterpreting their intentions, then we walk around feeling hurt, betrayed or disappointed – yet that was not what was even fathomed by that other person.

I guess what I’ve gone around in circles to express is that; the way that we define how to act and react in life -is not a one size fits all because everyone somehow has learnt a different version – therefor the manner in which we expect the people with whom we interact to respond to us should not be a one size fits all either, lest we walk into non-existent disappointment. For all we know, we may all mean the same thing, but it is packaged in different actions and words, so all that we need to do is unpack it together. I doubt that this is a popular opinion, but I think that perhaps we just have to be a bit kinder and patient with each other, because believe it or not; we are all facing the same struggle of trying to figure out how to life, thus if we gave each other a chance – we may just figure it out together.